“What does having a choice mean to you?” I once asked a client. His eyes went glossy and shifted away. “Choice,” he said. “It doesn’t feel like I have one. I’ve tried so hard, and still the pressure never lifts. No one knows I’m such a mess inside. I hate myself like this.” I asked, “What choice do you have, knowing this?” After a long silence, he answered: “I could stop hating myself.”
You likely have your own narrative running as you read that. Someone else’s experience conjures up your own. The magic of coaching is giving full autonomy to the person who owns it, because the answer is not in the coach. The answer is in you.
Who are you living for?
How often are you “doing” for others, striving to meet outside expectations, and criticizing yourself harshly when you fall short? It is like carrying a fifty-pound pack in the pouring rain in oversized boots, trying to do life the way you’ve been told even though that way doesn’t ignite you or work. So pause and ask honestly: are you living for others or for yourself? Are you for or against yourself? And would you feel happier living life your way? I suspect the answer is yes.
What autonomy really means
Autonomy is different from independence. It means acting with choice.— Daniel H. Pink
Being autonomous means making decisions and acting from your own choice rather than being controlled by others. It starts with actively choosing ways forward that feed your happiness. The brain is wired to survive, not to be happy, so happiness takes attention and effort, and it begins with the language you use. What you say informs your brain. This matters even more with ADHD wiring: by age ten, an ADHD child has heard roughly 20,000 more negative messages than a neurotypical peer, which is exactly why your self-generated pathways to success are so important.
Self-awareness is a practice, not a milestone
Self-awareness is not judgment. It is looking, seeing, and discovering who you really are, so check your judgment at the door. It is an ongoing, effortful practice, not something you learn once like your times tables. It starts with the dialog in your head. When did you last notice what you were saying to yourself? Do you use a harsh tone, or do you lift yourself the way a trusted friend would?
Jump-frog your judge with blameless discernment
We all carry judgment at the front of our being; it formed in childhood to decide “right” from “wrong.” Instead of leaning on judgment, try blameless discernment backed by curiosity. It is not toxic positivity, it is calling things what they are, without the self-attack. Notice how word choice opens or closes possibilities:
- Instead of “I’m so disorganized,” try: “I can’t find anything. I thrive when I use systems that work for me. What could support me now?”
- Instead of “I can’t focus on anything,” try: “My mind is curious and creative, and I’m learning to channel it. What will help me use that now?”
Your choices of action may be limited, but your choices of thought are not. You have your place of importance and so much to offer. Live it in a way that serves you, authentically and on purpose.
View this uPLifted issue in its original magazine-style layout.
